Gusty Blusts

and other stories The Weird and Wonderful World of "J"
Approx 698 words | Read time approx 2 - 5 mins

A funny thing happened on the way to the chip shop

salt and pepper

Fish, chips and a full scale siege – fast food really can be bad for your health . . .

I WOULDN’T MIND but I’d only gone out for a takeaway so it really wasn’t my fault that it ended up involving an over-amorous old gent, a locked door and some riot police. Sometimes these things really do just happen . . . well, alright maybe just to me . . .

Walking up the path to the chip shop, I really wasn’t expecting a hand to suddenly lunge out of the darkness and grab hold of my wrist. Well, you wouldn’t would you?

To say I jumped, was probably the understatement of the year, but I wasn’t going anywhere because who ever it was that had taken possession of my wrist, really wasn’t for letting go. They weren’t hurting me, but they weren’t letting me go either.

Turned out the hand belonged to an elderly, smartly dressed gent who, as I discovered, just so happened to be sat on the ground in the darkness, his other hand clasped firmly atop a walking stick.

I’m not entirely sure why, but for some strange reason I didn’t feel the least bit threatened. If anything I felt sorry for the old guy thinking he’d probably just lost his footing and fallen over in the darkness, and was maybe hurt and needed some help getting back up. So being the gullible fool I obviously am, I made the mistake of asking if he needed any assistance. Only, quick as a flash the arm yanked me closer toward him, where I came face-to-face with a pair of bloodshot eyes, a toothless grin, and the overpowering, not-so-winning aroma of toilet cleaner and tobacco. If that wasn’t bad enough, it was accompanied by the mumbling of ‘he he he! – eeeh, yer arr lover-ly!’ and some hand stroking . . .

“I really wasn’t expecting a hand to suddenly lunge out of the darkness and grab hold of my wrist . . .”

handExtracting my wrist from his vice like grip, I legged it up the path to the chip shop – I was on an errand after all. Only I must have looked slightly on the distressed side because the guy behind the counter asked if I was alright, and when I explained what had happened he said he was calling the police and much to the horror of the other customers inside the shop, gave me a key and told me to lock the door.

Lock the door? What? I only wanted some fish and chips.

Just as well I did though because the old guy had evidently found his legs and was now laying into the door with his walking stick and shouting out ‘Ere – come back me lurvely!’ to me.

Strange, but the words ‘why me?’ came to mind yet again as I struggled to understand just how a simple trip out for a takeaway had turned into a siege at a chip shop. Although the other customers were no doubt thinking that opening the door and handing me over to the infatuated elderly gent would be a far simpler solution than just standing around waiting for the riot police.

It seemed ages before we heard the sirens, and the banging and shouting subsided only to be replaced by a request that we open the door ‘in the name of the law’ and the whole place was descended upon by police . . .

Strange how everyone else seemed to disappear and I suddenly discovered I was the only customer left in the shop.

I finally emerged to an assorted selection of annoyed and curious stares from an unamused queue of people who clearly weren’t used to having a siege situation separate them from their chips.

Fortunately the old man was nowhere in sight, but even though there was quite a heavy police presence, the guy behind the counter insisted in seeing me safely to my car ‘just in case’ or so he said at least, anyway.

Strange, but I haven’t been sent out for a takeaway since, which is probably just as well really.

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One Response to “A funny thing happened on the way to the chip shop”

  1. 1
    gadgetgal says:

    seriously, that’s really scary – you really need a bodyguard!

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