Gusty Blusts

and other stories The Weird and Wonderful World of "J"
Approx 504 words | Read time approx 2 - 4 mins

Can I stroke your bottom?

horse viewed from rear

Dodgy accents and even dodgier propositions . . . it’s not everyday a stranger turns up on your doorstep and asks to stroke your bottom – only perhaps not quite so politely . . .

WALKING THE SHORT but evidently dangerous distance between car and the safety of my own home, I really wasn’t expecting to be accosted by a grubby, dishevelled, middle-aged sweaty man who, in one of those comedy foreign accents, demanded to, and I quote ‘stroke my arse?!’

It’s strange how your mind fills with an assortment of fleeting thoughts – although the ones that tended to linger were more on the lines of ‘oh no, not again!’ and ‘why me?’

My mouth on the other hand had clearly taken leave of its senses by giving him the benefit of the doubt and uttering the words ‘I beg your pardon?!’

‘Can I stroke your arse? Lady arses are beautiful – can I stroke yours?!’ He continued unabashed, only now with the added bonus of mad dancing eyeballs and salivating mouth.

Yet, clearly suffering from a continuing lapse of anything remotely resembling sense, I found myself taking the foreign factor into consideration and very slowly saying ‘do you mean h-o-r-s-e . . . ?’ While pointing to a horse in a nearby field – thinking he meant one of the pedigree Shires that seemed to attract an awful lot of interest from passers by.

He looked at the horse I was pointing at, shook his head vehemently and said ‘what is horse? I do not know what is this h-o-r-s-e? I vud like to stroke your arse!’outstretched hand

‘That’s what I thought you said!’ as I began to wonder whether I should just run the remaining distance to the house, slap him across the cheek – no pun intended, or quite possibly both.

‘What is horse? I do not know what is this
h-o-r-s-e? I vud lick to stroke your arse!’

‘Well can I? Go on – I haven’t given an arse a good stroke for ages! I’ll be gentle and won’t hurt it!’ If nothing else he was certainly persistent.

‘You’re damn right you won’t! Now go on, get on your way – you cheeky beggar!’ I said while thinking I was starting to sound like a script from one of those camp seventies comedies.

Quick as a flash the guy’s demeanour completely changed. Gone were the disturbing over enthusiastic eyeballs and bubbling streams of saliva – only to be replaced by an equally disturbing, on-the-point-of-tears expression and an even greater sense of urgency.

‘No, no, I don’t understand – I only want to stroke your arse! I’d love to ride it as well but I’d be happy to just give it a good stroking!’

‘Well, really! What are you some kind of pervert or something? Go on, clear off and be thankful I’m not calling the police!’ I said while shutting the door in his face, shaking my head in disbelief and then bursting into a fit of uncontrollable laughter.

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4 Responses to “Can I stroke your bottom?”

  1. 1
    scripto says:

    can’t believe he wasn’t talking bout the horses! lol! scary crazy person

  2. 2
    gadgetgal says:

    rofl! I’m gobsmacked – cheeky buggar! I’d have slapped his face

  3. 3
    Mick says:

    Just let him stroke it. 😀

  4. 4
    scripto says:

    Not sure you should be encouraging that kind of thing lmao 🙂

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