Gusty Blusts

and other stories The Weird and Wonderful World of "J"

Archive for the 'Body Bits' Category

Approx 178 words | Read time approx 1 - 2 mins

Bare bottoms and books

Answering a call of nature in a book store proves to be really rather revealing . . .

IT’S NOT everyday you walk into the ladies toilets and discover a strange bloke stood with his back to you, pants down round his ankles and saying the words “I’m ready!” Well, not from my experience thankfully anyway. Although in all fairness, this was in Los Angeles so, you never know . . .

Quite what he was doing there, or indeed just who or what he was expecting, I’ve no idea and wasn’t going to ask. Although I did manage to point out that he was in fact in the ladies toilets and he would possibly garner more passing trade in the gents.

Strange how this was met with a rather bemused look and the reiteration that he was ready for me.

I resisted the urge to ask ‘but just what do you want me to do?’ and bade a hasty retreat instead.

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Approx 369 words | Read time approx 2 - 3 mins

Bottoms, breakfast and holey underpants

Man baring his backside in a liftBare bottoms, underpant flashing in a public place and accusations involving imaginary breakfasts . . .

WANDERING ALONG a corridor in the local general hospital, the monotony was suddenly and unexpectedly interrupted by a strange, middle-aged bloke who, for reasons that no doubt made sense to him at the time, felt the urge to tell me about a hole he apparently had in his underpants . . . Quite why he thought I should be interested, I’ve no idea, but there you go.

The small matter of him wanting me to rummage around in his pants to find it, was only slightly more disturbing than him actually unbuckling his belt, starting to pull his trousers down and grabbing hold of his undies.

Even more disturbing though was the fact that this was a particularly busy corridor and folks were just passing on by oblivious – as if this kind of thing was a regular occurrence.

Then, and if that wasn’t quite bad enough, I unfortunately ended up sharing a lift with an old bloke who, no sooner had the doors closed, lifted up his gown, bent over, thrust his bare, hairy backside in my face and said ‘here, will yer have a feel of this?’

‘Er, no, you’re alright thanks!’ I responded somewhat dumbfoundedly while wondering yet again, just how the hell I managed to attract them. Needless to say as soon as the lift doors opened, I made my hasty exit. Even if it did turn out to be the wrong floor.

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Approx 175 words | Read time approx 1 - 2 mins

Alternative amusement

Nurses, needles and audience reactions – experiencing the art of acupuncture so they don’t have to . . .

IT’S NOT everyday you attend your alternative therapy session to inadvertently find yourself being the source of entertainment for a bunch of doctors, nurses and well, anyone else who expresses the remotest interest at the time.

Although in all fairness I really don’t think they fully understood what they were letting themselves in for. Since the first needle hadn’t quite gone into my back before three of them produced muffled screams, one fainted and a fourth hurriedly departed the room. Closely followed by my specialist and acupuncture therapist who, determined to prove that the needles didn’t in fact hurt, proceeded to stick one into the poor escapee. Who,somewhat understandably screamed out loud and then started crying.

Anyone would think that having a conversation with someone resembling a human pin cushion or even that guy from Hellraiser was just a little too much for them . . .

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Approx 293 words | Read time approx 1 - 2 mins

I’ll show you mine

Personal problems and public places – a strange man feels the need to compare anatomical anomalies in a packed waiting room . . .

THE EYE CLINIC was pretty full when I arrived and I’d just sat down to wait for my appointment when I was accosted by a smartly dressed middle-aged man reading a paper . . .

‘Have you got what I’ve got?’ he enquired with a worrying glint in his eye.
‘Not entirely sure’ I replied without really wanting to know – let alone compare notes.
‘Well have you?’ he tried again.
‘Er, I don’t really know.’
‘Well you look like you probably have . . .’ he said leaning forward and grinning expectantly.
‘Oh!’ I said thinking my eye must have looked much worse than initially thought. Although needn’t have worried. Turned out it wasn’t my eye he was referring to as he leaned in even closer and said ‘I’ve got piles – would you like to take a look?’ just a little too loudly for the densely packed waiting room.

‘Er, no, you’re alright thanks . . .’ I said while desperately scanning the surrounding area for the next available spare seat. Only of course there weren’t any.

‘Well, do you mind if I have a look at yours then?’ he persisted amidst a spontaneous outburst of sniggers from the occupants of the surrounding seats.


‘Your piles – can I look at your piles?’ He exclaimed as the two on either side of me burst into simultaneous laughter.

‘What? What piles? This is an eye clinic – I’ve come to see a man about my eye!’

‘Oh!’ he said leaning back into his chair and continuing to read his paper as if nothing had ever happened.

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Approx 343 words | Read time approx 1 - 3 mins

Personal services

Outstretched hand

A strange scary man bursts into the chemist with the offer of some very personal services . . .

LIKE A NUMBER of other people I was waiting to collect a prescription in Boots’ when all of a sudden a leather clad, helmet wearing biker burst through the door and demanded to know where a certain massage parlour was.

Initially thinking it was going to be a stick up, a kind of shocked silence fell on the place and no one replied. Either that or no one actually wanted to admit they were personally acquainted with the whereabouts of said parlour.

He removed his helmet, singled me out and asked again if I knew where it was. I didn’t. Although quite why he thought I might know I’ve no idea, but gave up trying to work this kind of thing out a long time ago.

‘They do really good stuff you know,’ he said almost as if I should at least know of it through reputation alone.
‘I’m sorry – I’ve really no idea,’ it was true, I hadn’t.
‘Makes me feel soooo good . . .’ he said eyes shut and evidently off on one.
‘Oh!’ I said while desperately trying not to laugh. Which was more than could be said for some of the other customers who clearly hadn’t expected a trip to the chemist to involve impromptu sex talks with strangers.

‘You should try it you know – they don’t use their hands!’ he continued while leaning in just a little too close.
‘Oh!’ I said again in the absence of anything more constructive to say since hands free massage propositions were a first even for me.
‘Would you like me to show you – I won’t use my hands?’ He enquired grinning expectantly.
‘Er, er, no you’re alright thanks . . . !’ I just about managed before the whole place erupted in laughter.
‘Ah, well – worth a try!’ he said leaning in closer and winking before putting his helmet back on and disappearing back through the door.

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Approx 408 words | Read time approx 2 - 3 mins

Encounters of the contagious kind

man with red spots on stomachWrists with red rash

Just what is it about public places and complete strangers feeling the need to expose random parts of their anatomy to you? I wouldn’t mind but I’d only ventured into Boot’s for a tube of toothpaste . . .

THE FIRST INCIDENT occurred while passing through the cosmetics section where, for some reason, I was accosted by a young lad wanting my opinion on which colour foundation would best suit his skin shade.

Quite why he bypassed both the two cosmetic assistants present, not to mention the three other members of public that just so happened to be in the aisle at the same time, I’ve absolutely no idea, but it got worse.

Turned out that the foundation wasn’t exactly for his face after all, but for a rather large and seriously disturbing red boil that he’d just conveniently unbuttoned his shirt collar to reveal to me . . .

The second unfortunate incident occurred in the toothpaste; sorry I mean ‘oral hygiene’ section: where a man, in his mid-forties walked down the aisle towards me, stopped about three feet away and started rummaging around in his pants, pulled up the front of his shirt with both hands and somewhat bizarrely remarked ‘ere what do you think I should do about these?’ While revealing what can perhaps only be described as a rather large and extremely pale stomach, randomly covered in a riot of red spatters.

The third incident occurred at the checkout (have these people no shame?), where for some peculiar reason, the woman in front of me decided I was obviously fair game for viewing what she somewhat inelegantly described as being her ‘sweaty wrists’.

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