Gusty Blusts

and other stories The Weird and Wonderful World of "J"

Archive for the 'Out and About' Category

Approx 178 words | Read time approx 1 - 2 mins

Bare bottoms and books

Answering a call of nature in a book store proves to be really rather revealing . . .

IT’S NOT everyday you walk into the ladies toilets and discover a strange bloke stood with his back to you, pants down round his ankles and saying the words “I’m ready!” Well, not from my experience thankfully anyway. Although in all fairness, this was in Los Angeles so, you never know . . .

Quite what he was doing there, or indeed just who or what he was expecting, I’ve no idea and wasn’t going to ask. Although I did manage to point out that he was in fact in the ladies toilets and he would possibly garner more passing trade in the gents.

Strange how this was met with a rather bemused look and the reiteration that he was ready for me.

I resisted the urge to ask ‘but just what do you want me to do?’ and bade a hasty retreat instead.

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Approx 369 words | Read time approx 2 - 3 mins

Bottoms, breakfast and holey underpants

Man baring his backside in a liftBare bottoms, underpant flashing in a public place and accusations involving imaginary breakfasts . . .

WANDERING ALONG a corridor in the local general hospital, the monotony was suddenly and unexpectedly interrupted by a strange, middle-aged bloke who, for reasons that no doubt made sense to him at the time, felt the urge to tell me about a hole he apparently had in his underpants . . . Quite why he thought I should be interested, I’ve no idea, but there you go.

The small matter of him wanting me to rummage around in his pants to find it, was only slightly more disturbing than him actually unbuckling his belt, starting to pull his trousers down and grabbing hold of his undies.

Even more disturbing though was the fact that this was a particularly busy corridor and folks were just passing on by oblivious – as if this kind of thing was a regular occurrence.

Then, and if that wasn’t quite bad enough, I unfortunately ended up sharing a lift with an old bloke who, no sooner had the doors closed, lifted up his gown, bent over, thrust his bare, hairy backside in my face and said ‘here, will yer have a feel of this?’

‘Er, no, you’re alright thanks!’ I responded somewhat dumbfoundedly while wondering yet again, just how the hell I managed to attract them. Needless to say as soon as the lift doors opened, I made my hasty exit. Even if it did turn out to be the wrong floor.

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Approx 345 words | Read time approx 1 - 3 mins

The last laugh

Cappuccino smiles, partially eaten pears and sniggering strangers . . .

WITH TIME to kill between appointments, I headed for the cafe where I grabbed a drink and found what I thought was going to be a quiet seat, out of the way . . .

So, there I was minding my own business, jotting down notes and sipping my cappuccino when someone started sniggering loudly nearby.

Glancing up I came face-to-face with a man in his mid-to-late forties, who was by now grinning and pointing at my face. Not that I was paranoid or anything, but I didn’t think I was that bad. I wouldn’t mind but it wasn’t as if he’d have won any beauty awards himself. Especially since half his teeth were missing and those he had all pointed in different directions. The cheeky sod!

Then the penny dropped as I remembered I’d been drinking a cappuccino and knew only too well that without supervision things could get messy. Sure enough I had a first class froth smile, chocolate sprinkles on my chin and forehead, and the piece de la resistance in the form of froth on the end of my nose.

It was then that the unexpected happened as the grinning guy dropped a packet of sugar on the floor and bent over to pick it up. Only as he did so, he caught a three-quarter cup full of cold tea that had been left at the edge of the table by the previous occupant. Spilling the contents down the back, side and left arm of his light grey jacket, not to mention the floor.

Well, it certainly made his expression change I can tell you. Gone was the smug look and snigger as he tried to save face by remarking ‘never mind, it’s only liquid!’

Ah, but it wasn’t as he quickly discovered when the remnants of a pear that I’d conveniently disposed of in the cup earlier, plopped out and took up a new residence on his shoulder . . .

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Approx 280 words | Read time approx 1 - 2 mins

Mmmm – you smell nice!

Social interactions and interesting smells – how to unwittingly attract strangers in your doctors waiting room . . .

THERE WERE already half a dozen people sat in the doctor’s waiting room when I arrived. Two men were sat together, but the others sat as far apart as was physically possible. Each occupying their seats like remote human islands, steadfast and determined not to contract whatever lurgy or social diseases the others might possibly have. Either that or they could just have been downright unsociable of course.

I’d just sat down to wait for my appointment when one of the two guys who were sat together decided to try do his bit for community relations by addressing each and everyone of the ‘islands’ in turn with the words “don’t I know you?”
‘No!’ Came each aggrieved response.
‘I think I do – you just don’t remember me!’ he was nothing if not persistent.
‘No, I’ve never seen you before in my life!’
‘Ah, yer do know me really – don’t you?!’
‘No, shut up yer silly bugger!’

And, finally having tried his luck with all the ‘islands’ and received similar responses, he physically got up out of his seat, walked across the room and of all the spare seats, came sat next to me. Then grinning like an imbecile, he leaned in just a little to close and said ‘mmm – you smell interesting!’

What?! Although admittedly it was marginally better than the other half’s bizarre ‘you smell of Cornish pasties’ remark I received when collecting him from work that same evening . . . I wouldn’t mind but I hadn’t even eaten a pastie.

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Approx 175 words | Read time approx 1 - 2 mins

Alternative amusement

Nurses, needles and audience reactions – experiencing the art of acupuncture so they don’t have to . . .

IT’S NOT everyday you attend your alternative therapy session to inadvertently find yourself being the source of entertainment for a bunch of doctors, nurses and well, anyone else who expresses the remotest interest at the time.

Although in all fairness I really don’t think they fully understood what they were letting themselves in for. Since the first needle hadn’t quite gone into my back before three of them produced muffled screams, one fainted and a fourth hurriedly departed the room. Closely followed by my specialist and acupuncture therapist who, determined to prove that the needles didn’t in fact hurt, proceeded to stick one into the poor escapee. Who,somewhat understandably screamed out loud and then started crying.

Anyone would think that having a conversation with someone resembling a human pin cushion or even that guy from Hellraiser was just a little too much for them . . .

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Approx 533 words | Read time approx 2 - 4 mins

Wrong train right station

Empty shopping trolley

Wrong train right station – a stranger, an empty shopping trolley and a sticky proposition . . .

YOU KIND of know the day isn’t going so well when having asked six different station officials you still somehow manage to get on the wrong train. Albeit the train you’d been repeatedly assured was in fact the right one.

It all started when the conductor wandered into the compartment, asked to see my ticket and said ‘and where do you think you’re going?’
‘Halifax’ I said hopefully, although had I not been so cold and tired probably anywhere would have done.
‘Not on this train you’re not!’
‘What?!’ I exclaimed only not quite as loudly as some of the other passengers, who had evidently also been told to get on the wrong train.
‘But six of your officials told me this train was going to Manchester via the Calder Valley route!’
‘That’s as maybe’ he said, ‘but I’m telling you it’s not!’

‘You’re gonna have to get off at Huddersfield and then catch the right train to Halifax!’
‘Whatever!’ I said feeling really too tired to argue.

Disembarking at Huddersfield station with at least a dozen other ‘wrong trainers’ we suddenly found ourselves having to tiptoe through a sea of spilled shopping. Turned out someone had tried to take a fully laden Tesco’s shopping trolley down two flights of the station stairs.

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Approx 293 words | Read time approx 1 - 2 mins

I’ll show you mine

Personal problems and public places – a strange man feels the need to compare anatomical anomalies in a packed waiting room . . .

THE EYE CLINIC was pretty full when I arrived and I’d just sat down to wait for my appointment when I was accosted by a smartly dressed middle-aged man reading a paper . . .

‘Have you got what I’ve got?’ he enquired with a worrying glint in his eye.
‘Not entirely sure’ I replied without really wanting to know – let alone compare notes.
‘Well have you?’ he tried again.
‘Er, I don’t really know.’
‘Well you look like you probably have . . .’ he said leaning forward and grinning expectantly.
‘Oh!’ I said thinking my eye must have looked much worse than initially thought. Although needn’t have worried. Turned out it wasn’t my eye he was referring to as he leaned in even closer and said ‘I’ve got piles – would you like to take a look?’ just a little too loudly for the densely packed waiting room.

‘Er, no, you’re alright thanks . . .’ I said while desperately scanning the surrounding area for the next available spare seat. Only of course there weren’t any.

‘Well, do you mind if I have a look at yours then?’ he persisted amidst a spontaneous outburst of sniggers from the occupants of the surrounding seats.

‘What?!’

‘Your piles – can I look at your piles?’ He exclaimed as the two on either side of me burst into simultaneous laughter.

‘What? What piles? This is an eye clinic – I’ve come to see a man about my eye!’

‘Oh!’ he said leaning back into his chair and continuing to read his paper as if nothing had ever happened.

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Approx 240 words | Read time approx 1 - 2 mins

Wanted: someone to take care of me

A strange old woman and a novel approach to picking up strangers in bars . . .

FOR SOME strange reason a visit to the ladies room at the bar where I’d been having lunch resulted in my getting a doing from a strange old woman apparently, or so it seemed, just for being there.

The woman had been walking in front of me and having a conversation with someone, whom I can only assume was who she believed to be her husband, walking behind.

Strangely enough, her husband didn’t respond and she became more agitated and started to liven up her somewhat one sided conversation with the occasional sweary outburst.

Finally, she stopped at the entrance to the ladies, turned around to face me and started to give her husband, or in this particular instance me, a doing for not responding.

Not wanting to state the obvious, but not particularly wanting to upset her either I ever-so-politely pointed out that I wasn’t actually her husband and therefore had absolutely no idea what on earth she was on about.

But I really wasn’t expecting her to say ‘of course you’re not my husband – he passed away 10 years ago, bloody useless he was too! No, no my dear you look far too useful and I’m looking for someone who’ll put up with me. You’re not ideal, but you’ll do for the time being!’ Cheers!

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Approx 343 words | Read time approx 1 - 3 mins

Personal services

Outstretched hand

A strange scary man bursts into the chemist with the offer of some very personal services . . .

LIKE A NUMBER of other people I was waiting to collect a prescription in Boots’ when all of a sudden a leather clad, helmet wearing biker burst through the door and demanded to know where a certain massage parlour was.

Initially thinking it was going to be a stick up, a kind of shocked silence fell on the place and no one replied. Either that or no one actually wanted to admit they were personally acquainted with the whereabouts of said parlour.

He removed his helmet, singled me out and asked again if I knew where it was. I didn’t. Although quite why he thought I might know I’ve no idea, but gave up trying to work this kind of thing out a long time ago.

‘They do really good stuff you know,’ he said almost as if I should at least know of it through reputation alone.
‘I’m sorry – I’ve really no idea,’ it was true, I hadn’t.
‘Makes me feel soooo good . . .’ he said eyes shut and evidently off on one.
‘Oh!’ I said while desperately trying not to laugh. Which was more than could be said for some of the other customers who clearly hadn’t expected a trip to the chemist to involve impromptu sex talks with strangers.

‘You should try it you know – they don’t use their hands!’ he continued while leaning in just a little too close.
‘Oh!’ I said again in the absence of anything more constructive to say since hands free massage propositions were a first even for me.
‘Would you like me to show you – I won’t use my hands?’ He enquired grinning expectantly.
‘Er, er, no you’re alright thanks . . . !’ I just about managed before the whole place erupted in laughter.
‘Ah, well – worth a try!’ he said leaning in closer and winking before putting his helmet back on and disappearing back through the door.

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Approx 150 words | Read time approx 1 - 1 mins

Shop serenade

A strange man feels the need to serenade a random member of public in a check out queue . . .

MINDING MY OWN business as usual in the check out queue of a local convenience store I really wasn’t expecting a complete stranger to single me out and start serenading me.

Well, alright a middle-aged bloke in working clothes burst into verse with ‘roses are red, violets are blue – if I buy you a box of biscuits will you be mine too?’ While everyone else in the queue creased themselves laughing.

And since it had been the best offer I’d had all day I was sorely tempted to say ‘oh, go on then as long as I get to choose my own biscuits!’ But just smiled sweetly instead as he was forcibly retrieved by his unimpressed wife with child.

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