Gusty Blusts

and other stories The Weird and Wonderful World of "J"

Archive for the 'Victim of Circumstance' Category

Approx 516 words | Read time approx 2 - 4 mins

When umbrellas go bad

Popcorn and pop

Acrobatic umbrellas, low flying coats and the stealth bombing of an unsuspecting cinema audience . . .

I’D ONLY just removed my wet coat and put it over the empty seat to my left along with my equally wet umbrella . . . when it happened . . .

Although, in my defence I didn’t know the seat wouldn’t take too kindly to the offloading of wetness and return to its upright position, despatching the offending articles in the process.

In a fraction of a second both my wet coat and umbrella were catapulted skywards, out of their seat and into the dark, vast expanse of the auditorium. Somehow the coat managed to unfold itself as it flew backwards through the air, while liberally dispensing freezing cold rainwater over an audience that had paid good money to get out of the rain.

Then, arms outstretched, as if adopting an almost human like kite form, it performed what can perhaps only be described as an aerial raid, as it proceeded to empty out its pockets over those unfortunate enough to be under its flight path.

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Approx 336 words | Read time approx 1 - 3 mins

Freak fruit fallout

Overly-ripe peaches, umbrellas and public places – a freak incident just waiting to happen . . .

BY A CERTAIN age I guess you kind of get to naively thinking there can be few of life’s little lessons yet to learn, which is quite sad really, but nevermind – thanks to random memory lapses you get to learn it all again . . .

It would seem there are reasons, as I, and just about everyone else happening to be in the neighbouring vicinity at the time, discovered to their horror, why you really shouldn’t put soft ripe fruit in your handbag. And especially not under the premise of “mmm, that looks just about ready to eat, I’ll eat it later” because you probably won’t, you’ll just forget about it and only rediscover it quite by accident several days later.

I made this mistake by accepting the offending article from my brother and thinking I’d eat it later, only forgot all about it of course. And how did I rediscover it? Well, try leaving a hospital, walking to the busy car park, discovering it raining and putting your brolly up, that’s how. Actually it was more the cries of ‘Urgh! that’s disgusting!’ and ‘what the hell is that? it’s slimy!’ that sort of hinted something wasn’t quite right.

That and the large dollops of orangey-brown, seriously slimy stuff that seemed to descend indiscriminately from the heavens. Meeting various degrees of alarm as it splash landed onto bare, sandalled feet and other assorted exposed anatomical parts. It never dawned on me of course, that I could possibly be in some way responsible for the slimy spatter fallout. Not until I had to rummage in my bag for a tissue to wipe the gunk off my brolly and discovered that my tissues had in fact turned to peachy papier mache, and that the entire lower contents of my bag were currently in the process of decomposing . . .

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Approx 113 words | Read time approx 1 - 1 mins

Gusty blusts

A sudden gust of wind steals umbrella top . . .

STEPPING OUT of the house on a wet, but most definitely not a windy day, I really wasn’t expecting a sudden gust of wind to come out of nowhere and steal the top off my umbrella. Leaving me stood there laughing with just the handle and stalk in my hand while the umbrella top floated up and away and off out of sight . . .

Although I really wasn’t expecting to arrive home a couple of days later to find the umbrella top waiting for me on the doorstep either. Most strange.

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Approx 334 words | Read time approx 1 - 3 mins

Lemming lemon


What’s the worst that can happen? The trials and tribulations of squeezing a lemon in public places . . .

IT WASN’T exactly my fault that a large segment of lemon took exception to being squeezed and decided to leap out of my fingers and through the open window behind me.

And since the lemon had leapt out of my hand and straight into the brief, but irresponsible hands of gravity I couldn’t exactly be held accountable for what happened next either.

So, it really wasn’t my fault that having hurled itself blindly into the open air, high above the heads of shoppers in the street below, the lemon clearly sensed it’s imminent demise, appointed it’s victim and proceeded to fall out of the sky above an unsuspecting shiny bald head that just so happened to be unconvincingly disguised by a comb-over.

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