Gusty Blusts

and other stories The Weird and Wonderful World of "J"
Approx 454 words | Read time approx 2 - 4 mins

When I grow up I want to be . . . a tall person

Man kneeling, tongue out brandishing a tape measure

Strange encounters with two old men and a tape measure . . . the perils of being left unsupervised in a hardware store . . .

THE HARDWARE STORE was quite busy when we arrived, and after assigning me the uninspiring task of finding, what he described as ‘a decent pair of overalls’ my other half promptly disappeared to go play with the power tools. Hardly fair, but there you go.

Having located the workwear section, I’d only just started to rummage my way through the rail when someone with a broad Yorkshire accent shouted ‘eee lass, thar’ll afta grow up some before thar’ll be fitting in a pair of them!’ across the room at me.

‘What are you saying?!’ I said half jokingly as an elderly man, sporting a red tartan flat cap, and his accomplice brandishing a steel tape measure, marched swiftly over towards me.

‘Tha legs ain’t long enough lass – come to think of it, now thar a see thee propa, tha rest of thee is a bit ont short side!’
‘Cheers!’ I laughed while thinking it was probably just as well I had a sense of humour.

‘Ey up! What’s going on? Are you hassling the customers?!’ came the mock attempt at seriousness from one of the male assistants at the other side of the room.

‘Nope – just assisting with their clothing like!’Tape measure

‘So you’re chatting them up then?!’

‘Just trying to provide a bit of hands on assistance that’s all!’

‘Oh, that’s all right then . . . !’

By this time just about everyone in the entire shop had stopped what they were doing and were now enjoying the impromptu entertainment.

‘Ey up lass – let’s come an measure tha up then . . . !’ said the man wielding the tape measure, tongue out and with an alarming glint in his eye.

‘Er, no, you’re alright thanks – they’re not for me, they’re for the tall person over there!’ I said while turning around to point at what I thought was my husband but instead turned out to be a shop dummy sporting a red waterproof jacket, no pants and a hard hat. An easy mistake . . .

My husband, or so it quickly became apparent, had conveniently disappeared from sight.

‘Ah, right!’ said the man, leaning in just a little too close and winking, while his mate pulled out a length of his tape measure threateningly . . .

‘No, really!’ I exclaimed as my legs, short as they evidently were, went hurriedly in search of some appropriate adult supervision. Even if it did happen to be bent double, creasing itself laughing behind one of the aisles.

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3 Responses to “When I grow up I want to be . . . a tall person”

  1. 1
    Scripto says:

    Lol! weird or what? Just as well you got a sense of humor huh!

  2. 2
    gadgetgal says:

    Time to ditch the husband me thinks!

  3. 3
    J says:

    It’s not the first time it’s been suggested – lol!

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