Gusty Blusts

and other stories The Weird and Wonderful World of "J"
Approx 521 words | Read time approx 2 - 4 mins

Vud you like to see my etchings?

Man showing sketch of horse

Etchings, dodgy accents and a complete stranger offering to ‘do nice things’ – it’s not every day you get propositioned on your very own doorstep . . .

I’M NOT ENTIRELY sure what I was expecting when I opened the door to yet another stranger, but it certainly wasn’t to suddenly find myself an unwitting participant in what was possibly a scene from a dodgy adult movie.

Still, I don’t suppose it’s every day that a youngish, blond mustachioed-male, turns up on your doorstep and, in a decidedly dodgy accent says, and I quote: ‘vud you like to see my etchings?’ Which is perhaps just as well really.

Returning to the somewhat surreal doorstep proposition – for a second I really wasn’t sure whether I should look for hidden cameras, say ‘oh, go on then – it’s the best offer I’ve had all day!’ or just crease myself laughing. Although before I had chance to respond a scratty piece of paper was thrust, forcefully into my hand – claiming that he was in fact Polish and that he was trying to sell himself (yes, that’s what it said), to pay for medical bills.

It might have said a whole lot more had it not been rendered illegible by the combined destructive efforts of smudging, over-enthusiastic scrunching and some rather peculiar bite marks, but there you go.

BonfireQuite whether it said what he actually meant to say or not, was another matter entirely, but when he said ‘I do nice favours for money’ and then offered to show me what he described as being ‘some very nice etchings of a**es!’ I was strangely no longer in any doubt.

And once again before I’d even had chance to respond, I was subjected to some more grubby bits of paper – this time in the form of pencil sketches featuring horses, puppies and an ambiguous assortment of other animals. It wasn’t that they weren’t very good, no, it was more to do with them all having been drawn from the not-so-flattering a**e perspective. So that’s what he meant by etchings of a**es!

Still, it gave me an idea of where his etchings might better be appreciated and seizing the escape opportunity like it was a divine gift, I sent him off to have a nice little chat with the local farmer. Well, he did have a horse after all . . .

Although my brother later suggested that I would probably ‘burn in hell’ for doing that because the poor guy might end up ‘wearing dungarees and working for nothing on the farm’. Since that’s what happened to strangers who ventured into the countryside alone. Well, according to my brother at least anyway. There’s me thinking they were either burnt alive a la Wicker Man or became werewolves after having being nibbled on by something over-friendly and unfeasibly furry during a full moon, no?

Strange, but I never actually saw the man leave the yard and the farmer did have an unseasonably large bonfire the following day . . .

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3 Responses to “Vud you like to see my etchings?”

  1. 1
    scripto says:

    rofl! young, blond male turned up on your doorstep offering to do nice things to you and you didn’t take him up on the offer?!

    I’m sooooooooo jealous – if you get another one be a good gal an send em round to mine! PLEASE! 🙂

  2. 2
    gadgetgal says:

    You really do attract them don’t you – roflmao!

    It wasn’t a send up then? Think you really should move . . .

  3. 3
    J says:

    No, it definitely wasn’t a send up – after I’d got over the shock it was just hilarious!

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